My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
