every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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