Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
