I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
