I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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