We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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