Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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