you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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