I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
