Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
