you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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