woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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