Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
