Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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