Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
