Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
