life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
