I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
