i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
