Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
