Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
