Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
