remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
