and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Randomize
