Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize