I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
