I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
