is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
i out mim tonsoeep
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