Got a toothbrush?
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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