i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
This beer is not sobering me up at all
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
