Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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