He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You ate ashes out of my bong
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