And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
