a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
