just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
