3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
