you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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