good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Randomize
