I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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