Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
