Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
