You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize