Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
