I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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