All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
