Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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