dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
