i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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