I just saw a hot homeless man
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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