tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
