watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
