I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
