just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
No I am not eating basil off your cock
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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