Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
