I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
