Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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