dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
