my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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