I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
